There. I said it.I love babies. They are cute, and tiny and smell good. (Well, sometimes they small bad, but that's another story)
Sometimes, when I see tiny little baby booties or onsies I weaken a little and think to myself, "ohhh, babies, sigh."
But then I hold a baby. Like little three-week-old Kade here. He is so sweet with his expressive, scrunch face and eyes that see into eternity. He is so precious and new. He's starting to squirm and cry, time to go back to Mommy!
There was a time a baby like Kade would have never left my arms. Back in the day when I couldn't hold a pregnancy for the life of me. First, there was the loss ~ at 18 week ~ of Duncan. He was less than a pound at birth, and still he struggled for life until the doctor cut the cord and he died in my husband's arms.
Then there was the two miscarriages during the first three months of 1998.
The unenventful one where I had just decided I was pregnant before losing it.
And the tramatic one where I knew I was pregnant, I saw the baby's heartbeat but the doctor was worried because it implanted low. I started spotting at first, then it became ugly. A week after the first sign of spotting the baby was gone.
During this period of my life, a friend of mine brought her new-born baby boy into my work. I couldn't wait to get my hands on him. I pulled him out of his carrier and held him close, stroking his tiny head, breathing in the scent of him.
Long after she left the scent of newborn baby lingered on my clothes. I can remember going into the break room, smelling the clean baby scent and feeling empty inside.
Finally I was able to carry a child full term.
Adam David Lang was born on Dec. 20, 1998. He was six weeks early, had trouble digesting his food and keeping his body temperture steady. But he was a tiny little miracle.
Now my little miracle baby is six. He is going to first grade and learning how to read.
I no longer smell the baby scent on me when I hold a newborn child. But I remember. Oh yes, I remembr, the miracle involved in the birth of every child.
6 comments:
I can *so* identify with you here.
We planned on three kids, but had so many heartbreaks in getting the two we have. (Three of the 4-5 miscarrages I had were 12-20 weeks.) After Miranda was born I decided that I wanted to concentrate on the blessings we had and not go through the uncertainty and pain again. I don't think it is selfish. I think it is best for the family we were lucky to put together.
It's not easy for any of us to say, yes, this is enough, especially with all the heartbreak it took you to get there. How wonderful for your son to have you as his mother!
Wiping away the tears that have just filled my eyes. I have lived some of the same moments you've described and that decision to have no more babies was made for me, at age 28, when the doctor told me that I would need a hysterectomy immediately. And now I find myself at 46, raising and adopting my own grandchildren. Again, not what I planned on but a tremendous blessing in our lives. Adam must be a special boy and he is lucky to have parents who were willing to go through so much for him to join them. Thank you for sharing.
Four years after Matthew was born, I also went thru a miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant and took the loss very hard. Soon after I was diagnosed with Graves (thyroid) and was cautioned not to get pregnant while under medication. Since I am almost 40 I feel my time's up to have any more children. I am meant to be Mom only to one.
Big hugs to you!
Beautiful entry. I am touched by your words.
ohhh Alleen!! I just read this and you broke my little heart! I am soo sorry that You have had such a rough time!!!
I am soo glad that you were blessed with your son and I know that you are a GREAT mom to him.
Usually I laugh at your posts, this time I cried!!! :(
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