Sunday, August 03, 2008

It Has Been a Long Sad Year :(

It has been a very long year. What I have missed the most is not being able to talk to her. I miss our conversations, our t.v. time, and our just going on drives on Sundays to be together. Having to do it all has had its moments, the laundry and shopping take up a whole Saturday (during the school year). Holidays and birthdays just aren't the same without her special touches. She always made them special even without a lot of money. When I had hurt my back, it was a tough time because I was worried about the boys, if Alleen had been here she would have watched the boys and made me stay home from work to go to the dr. Instead I went to work and then waited for a sub to come (which one didn't come so one of the Sped. aides took my class) while I went to the dr. I had quit my second job so we could be together more, because I had missed so much of the last year by working 7:30 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. on nights I would have to work the two jobs. My final week at the truck stop was spent planning her funeral. It wasn't fair that I quit to spend more time with her and ended up holding her hand while her life ebbed quickly from her. I also did this 10 years ago with our son Duncan. It has been a quiet week, very few phone calls (thanks Wyo. Granny) to distract me from reliving the very vivid last few frantic hours of a year ago. I tried to not think about it, but it just kept popping up in my head. The boys didn't need to hear me talk about it, Logs was at scout camp so he missed all of the frantic 911 mess, Ads was here but he was out in a friends car so he would see her in the condition she was in. 14 years was not enough time. We both waited so long to get married, we were considered the old couple with the young kids. Many people thought that it was a second marriage for each of us, but it was our first and only. We had so many plans together, missions, both the boys and ourselves, marriages (the boys), spoiling the grandkids, and just growing old together. I always pictured us sitting on the porch in the cool evenings reading to each other, like my grandparents would. Grandma would read to Grandpa while he kept the flies a bay so they wouldn't land on his sweetheart. We did a lot of our dating by going to the temple. We went to Manti and the St. George temples before we were sealed. Because of work we didn't go as much when we moved up North, I missed that time together just the two of us in the temple. I know that I'm rambling on but I miss her so much and I feel bad because I couldn't make it down to put flowers on her grave today (stupid economy). I know she understands, but it still hurts. The boys have gone to bed and I have the dishwasher to unload before I go to bed so I had better get it done.