Thursday, February 22, 2007

It's not my season

I tiny tempest in the comments section of my niece’s blog today started me thinking about life and seasons.
Rest easy, K, I am not talking specifically about you, but the photo of your sick self sent me back 14 years to when I, too was suffering from a dramatic case of the sick. It was May 1993, I was living in Logan without a job, or a family, or any idea of what I was going to do with my life.
Not that I am saying that is what is going on in your life. I know you have both a job and great family of friends.
I had just gone through the temple on May 1 and traveled south to go to my friends wedding in the St. George Temple on May 9. I was sick when I went south, but I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I ended up with laryngitis. On the way home I was stopped by a cop and given a ticket because my car registration had expired.
In short, I was miserable.
One year later I was living in St. George, married to DH and pregnant with DS No. 1. We were both unemployed, and he was going to school. We are still paying off the student loans.
I was single for 35 years and I often wondered why (well I kind of knew why I was single) but why I had been given this lot in life.
But, being single did have some great moments.
The whole not having to answer to anyone but myself, having the house the temperature I want it to be, watching the television shows I want to watch, not feeling guilty if the dishes aren’t done at the end of the day aspect of single life still appeals to me.
Last night after work I had plans to settle down and watch LOST.
My children had different plans.
The kids want to eat every single day, sometimes three times a day.
They want to use the computer and get pouty when I’m using it for work.
They need help with homework.
Every night I hound them to get ready for bed.
Then I tuck them in, and last night I tucked them in again.
Just when I thought it was safe to watch the television the youngest one dashed to the bathroom with what he believed was a need to throw up.
So I spent the evening lurking outside the bathroom offering words of encouragement.
Do not get me wrong. I adore being married, I fiercely love my children, I can’t imagine life without my beloved companion by my side.
But every now and then I remember watching television shows without interruptions.
My life is always changing. Just when I think I’ve figured out what I am doing something changes and I’m struggling to learn something new.
Right now the something new is juggling my obligations to my children, my husband, my home, my job, my church calling, my hobby (attempting to become a profession) and myself.
I’m not doing a very good job.
I’m getting fat(ter) because I am not making good regular meals because DH is not home several nights a week and good meals are wasted on the children.
I am spending way to much time and energy on a job that uses my skills, but is not bringing in enough money to justify its existence.
The distractions from my job leave my children wanting more attention from me, and I slightly resent it, because I’m feeling pulled so many directions.
DH is not home nearly enough, he’s not getting enough sleep and I am worried about his health.
My house is a sty.
I do the minimum required of my church job and resent the weekly meetings because they take time I could spend doing something else.
My scrapbook work is at best uninspired.
We all need a vacation.
But it’s not going to last forever.
One day my children will be grown and I will miss them more than I miss my left hand.
My DH’s schedule will eventually settle down and he will be home more often. I hope so, because we all miss him.
I may hit it big in the scrapbook world, quit my reporter job and start resenting my hobby.
So many things can change in such a short period of time.
I guess this whole diatribe is simply a note to self.
This too shall pass.


Karen said...

Umm, that tempest on my blog... not representative of my feelings! I have no idea why L reacted the way she did but seriously, the fall out she speaks of... non-existant. Sorry.

Hillbilly sister said...

I know just how you feel. I have had some moments myself, as I recall the last couple of years were hell for me. I had some struggles with family members,(DH's family, not mine) so I can relate. I look back when my kids were young and I wonder how I ever manage to do what I did. Hang in there, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I keep reminding myself, this too shall pass. I enjoyed the photos and keep up your scrapbooking, you have a real talent for that. What would we ever do without our hobbies to keep our sanity?

Amy Sorensen said...

I am giggling about you hitting it big and then resenting your hobby. I mean, not that you couldn't hit it big, I think you're fabulous and definitely could hit it big, but the resenting it part...giggle.

Thanks for a great post today!

Wyo sis said...

Love the bird pic---Love you---and love your sense of humor. Glad to be home from the workshop trip from hell. I'll tell you the details someday when we h ave several hours and lots of Pepsi.

pudding for brains said...

hmmm. This sounds familiar. I think that you ARE INCREDIBLE, and I admire you for all you do!