Saturday, December 16, 2006

Guess which one I identify with?

I just finished my mini-album.
Too tired to show it now.

So I will leave you with this jem:

Erma Bombeck's Christmas letter to Martha Stewart:

Dear Martha,
I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains.
I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again.
Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?
Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor ... trashed the tablecloth.
Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.
Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!
The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Martha Stewart's Christmas letter to Erma Bombeck:

Hi Erma,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.
ince it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.
Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.
I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.
Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.
It's a good thing.
Love, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.


Hillbilly sister said...

I love the article! I am more like Erma Bombeck. I have never purchased anything with Martha Stewart's name on it. She is the homemaker's nightmare.

pudding for brains said...

So, now we know it... Martha Stewart is a compulsive liar. Or perhaps all the people working for her are named "I" "Me" &"Myself."
Although I don't love her (Martha) I ADORE ERMA BOMBECK!! I wish she would have outlived me, so I could enjoy her newest Erma-ism everytime I opened a Good Housekeeping Magazine. She was the greatest lady. She was so smart to point out how we all take ourselves too seriously.

In her words "I can't eat frosting! I might as well just take the spatula, and apply it directly to my thighs."

Wyo sis said...

I do buy things with Martha's name on them, because the housewares at K-Mart all have her name on them. I got the best frying pan ever there from her line. I just don't take her very seriously. I mean who could? This is a woman who was sent to prison because everyone hates her. How fair is that? If everyone who did what she did went to prison corporate America would come to a standstill.
All that being said, yes she is annoying. But then again so am I and I am the worst nightmare of anyone who has to come and stay at my house.